loneliness and mace.

Well, this side of R&R feels better than the other side.  That's for damn certain.

However, these past few days I've been missing him more than usual.  Now, "usual" is like a constant, achy feeling that is always unpleasant but often disregarded.  Like this burn on my knuckle that I got from checking chicken in the oven several days ago.  Despite the fact that it is constantly sending pain signals to the receivers in my brain, my brain is like, "Meh.  You're telling me this all the time.  I get it."  Such is my heart.  The hurt of Jonathan being gone is all the same, but at some point I've grown accustomed to it.  Which is very different from getting used to it.  I am not "used to" being without my husband.  I'm learning to live with it.  Anyway, these past few days I've had those "pangs."  You know, like if I were to accidentally brush against the aforementioned knuckle with a knife while chopping veggies; it would kind of shock my brain back into realizing that hey, the burn is still there.  And I don't know what it is about these past couple days, but my heart keeps being shocked back into realizing that hey, Jonathan's still gone.  It smacks me in the face when I walk out the door to run errands.  It hits me in the gut while I'm washing dishes.  It's unexplainable and random.  And it doesn't help that the trailer for The Lucky One pops up every ten minutes on my TV screen.  (Maybe this is a sign that I watch too much TV.  Possibly.  Probably.)  Every time that trailer comes up, I'm mesmerized.  Whether it's because the main character is a military guy or it was filmed and edited just right or I'm just a sucker for overly-sappy, emotionally-charged, Nicholas-Sparks-inspired chick flicks, I'll never know.  But every time I see it, the veggie knife lightly scrapes the throbbing loneliness in my heart.

  

I was thinking about this loneliness earlier today.  I felt all un-Christian about it, like if I had a really good relationship with God, I wouldn't feel lonely because I would let Him fill that place in my heart.  But He made me realize that sometimes He doesn't take our loneliness away.  Sometimes He doesn't erase it, assuage it, or fill it.  He holds us in it.  And we come to find that His love for us is so great that the pain of missing someone doesn't quite compare to the comfort of knowing He's there.

I had these thoughts while out walking today.  Lately, as the weather's been nice, I've been going walking every day.  My stamina is terrible so I don't do any of that hardcore sprinting (or even running) stuff, but I'll take a brisk walk and do a little jogging to get my heart rate up.  Change my clothes, tie my running shoes, grab my mace.  Yes, I take mace with me.  I don't care how nice the neighborhood is or the fact that I go out in broad daylight -- creeps can come out of anywhere, anytime, so you bet your ass I'm gonna carry mace with me.  Have you watched Law & Order??  Do you see the creeps on there??

And there's another sign that I watch too much TV.  But hey, that tiny bottle might save my life one day, so carry it I shall.

Not really sure there was a common theme to this post.  Just a few random thoughts.  Didn't really even have anything to do with Good Friday, either.  Ah, well.

Happy Easter weekend, folks.

hurry up and wait . . . . the army wife way.

Making persistent and increasingly exhausting phone calls.  Filling out, dropping off, picking up, scanning in, and emailing out endless paperwork.  Jumping through hoops -- and not the normal, circular kind, either; we're talking the abnormal, twisted, crazy, confusing Army hoops.  Waiting.  Sloughing through a waist-high medley of ten different answers to one single question.  All the while, never being quite certain that you won't run smack-dab into a wall, being forced to turn around and start all over again, simply because the person on the other end of the phone rattled off some half-baked answer instead of double-checking that they were pointing you in the right direction.

Just a few things I'm facing during this command sponsorship process.

Command Sponsorship:  "Command Sponsorship is a privilege granted by the Commander so that the Soldiers Family Members may accompany the Soldier.  When a Soldier obtains orders for Out of the Continental United States (OCONUS), he/she will have either Accompanied (with) or Unaccompanied (without) dependent orders.  In order for the Soldier to arrange for Family Members travel overseas at the Army’s expense, they must be Command Sponsored."  (http://www.bw.eur.army.mil)

After Jonathan got back to Afghanistan, he found out that he will be returning to Germany, rather than being stationed stateside, for the remainder of his contract.  Naturally, we wanted to get the ball rolling on this command sponsorship thing as soon as possible -- the sooner we started on those awful phone calls and headache-inducing paperwork, the more likely we would be approved.  As I stated earlier, this process is confusing and frustrating.  The fact that my husband & I being able to live together for the next year is resting on whether or not the various Army officials decide it's a good idea (and investment) is exasperating.  There are seriously flowcharts outlining the whole routine.

Ugh.

So, into the waist-high medley we sloughed.  On one hand, it feels like we have already done so much to push these papers through and get them verified by countless signatures from people in various states (and countries).  And yet, on the other hand, it seems like there is still so much to do, so many more signatures to obtain, and so many more days (weeks . . . .) of waiting.  Jonathan posted about all this on his Facebook, requesting prayers that God would bless us throughout the process with a timely approval.  Initially, I wasn't going to say anything about it until I knew for sure whether or not we were approved; but, I suppose there is something valuable in being vulnerable about our needs so they can be lifted up in prayer by many more than just us.

At this point, I have completed a medical screening according to EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) standards.  The paperwork has been signed by my doctor, as well as reviewed and signed by a doctor in Ft. Knox.  It is now on its way to Germany for further approval (this is pretty much guaranteed since it has received the Army stamp of approval in Ft. Knox).  Once they give the a-ok for my medical screening, we can officially request command sponsorship.  For this, Jonathan will get a packet together and submit it to his superiors to be approved.  From here, it still has to go through several channels before we know for sure whether or not we are approved for command sponsorship.

As you can see, it is a long, exhaustive process that requires a lot of persistence and patience.  We have been relentless in calling, emailing, and talking to people to make sure the papers are being pushed through; in addition, a couple of Jonathan's sergeants have been very attentive to the paperwork that needs to be completed and submitted quickly and efficiently.  It is a slow process, but I feel blessed even that things are moving at the rate that they are.

Thanks for taking the time to read all that.  Both Jonathan & I would be so grateful if you would keep us in your prayers throughout this process.  Pray that the paperwork will move smoothly, that we will be approved, and that we will continue to give our stress and anxiety to God.  He ultimately calls the shots, so I am content to know that whatever happens, He's got it all planned and under control.

And for now, I'll just hurry up and wait.  :)

all that lovey-dovey stuff.

Yesterday, as we were enjoying ice cream cones on a very hot Michigan spring day, my 8-year-old brother informed me that I did not, in fact, go to college.

Me:  "Yes, I did, for a little while."

Carson:  "But you're not going anymore."

Me:  "You're right."

Carson:  "Yeah, because now you have a love life."

Me:  (amused)  "What's a love life?"

Carson:  "You know, when two people meet, and then they have a love life."

Me:  "You mean like when two guys meet?"

Carson:  (slightly exasperated)  "Noooo.  When one guy meets one girl, and you know, they do love life things, and talk lovey to each other, and all that lovey-dovey stuff."

The conversation drifted onto other topics as the ice cream melted off our cones and onto the table in front of us.  (In Carson's case, onto his shirt.)  I smile as I recall this conversation and the simplicity with which my little brother thought of a romantic relationship.  But I think there's something to be said about this simple approach to something we often take way too seriously.  Don't get me wrong -- a relationship requires a lot of time, energy, attention, and give-and-take.  But it's not all seriousness.  It's laughs & giggles.  It's a water fight while doing the dishes.  It's asking him/her, "Would you like to go on a date with me this Saturday?" -- even if you've been together for years.  It's giving him/her a smirk and a slap on the ass as you walk by.  It's flirting like you're fifteen again.

So to Jonathan, my husband and closest friend -- I'm so glad I have a "love life" with you.  I'm glad we "do love life things, and talk lovey to each other, and all that lovey-dovey stuff."  :)  Always your girl, xoxo.

here's to our armed forces.

Well those two weeks flew by in the blink of an eye.  Having Jonathan home was so good for my heart, and it was difficult, as always, to let go of each other at the airport.  He was sick at the beginning of the R&R, and I was sick during the trip, as well.  But Jon kept saying, "I just want to be with you, whether we're in sick or out doing stuff."  What a good guy I have!  It was so hard to let go.

These beautiful pictures were captured by Nate Thomas!

It's such a huge adjustment going from being with my husband almost constantly for two weeks to being separated by an ocean and an 8.5-hour time difference.  Going from hugging, kissing, and touching to having go without his embrace when I need it the most.  Going from, "What do you want to do today?" to emailing and hoping for a phone call.  This is the third time I've had to go through this adjustment, and I'm stronger this time than the two times before.  I miss him like hell, but I know I've walked this road before and made it through alive, so I know I can do it again.  On top of that, his deployment has supposedly been shortened -- I am just hoping that the Army sticks to this plan and that our guys will come home early!

It's a different kind of life, being married into the Army.  Your plans are no longer your own.  Your future is at the mercy of military officials far above your husband's rank.  It's difficult to "settle down" because the Army will send you wherever it needs you, regardless of what kinds of plans you think you have.  Jon will be out of the Army in about a year and a half, so this will not be a permanent way of life for us.  But, we are living it now.  Despite the uncertainty of Army life, I can't say that I regret marrying into it.  I am doing everything I can to emotionally support and love an incredible man who is serving this country and the American people.  We are not being reimbursed to the extent that we sacrifice, but that's okay, because the Army doesn't owe us anything.  The United States doesn't owe us anything.  We choose this lifestyle because we want to do our part to preserve the freedom our Constitution grants us.  We don't do it for money.  We do it for justice, for love, because it is right.  Maybe you support the war, maybe you don't, maybe you think the government is corrupt, maybe you think we are slowly losing our freedom, but one thing remains true, regardless of what "side" you are on -- there are fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends who are willing to sacrifice their lives in the name of freedom for the American people.  Be it Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine, or Coast Guard -- here's to our armed forces and the sacrifices they make for us.

He's home!

My soldier is finally home for two weeks, and it has been a whirlwind!  As if Army life isn't crazy enough already . . .

Jonathan had been in transit for a few days by the time I flew to Dallas on Tuesday, February 21.  He had to travel to a couple of different FOB's (Forward Operating Base), then to Kuwait, then to Germany, then to Atlanta, and finally to Dallas -- so he actually left his FOB a little over a week before my flight was scheduled to go out.  Turns out, he got stuck at a FOB in Afghanistan due to snow (yes, it snows in Afghanistan!), and didn't arrive in Dallas until Thursday, February 23.  I had already been there for a couple days and was staying with his friend Nate.  Now, I'm naturally an emotional person, I worry about little things, and I hadn't seen my husband for 7 months, so Nate had a lot to put up with . . . but he did a really good job of keeping me sane and somewhat calm during that 48 hours.  ;)

Thursday morning I went to work with Nate so we could go straight from there to the airport, where Jonathan's flight was tentatively expected to arrive about 2:00 p.m.  I watched episode after episode of Modern Family, constantly checking the time on my phone.  Five minutes felt like an hour as the morning dragged on.  My phone rang at about 9:30 a.m., and I heard Jonathan's voice on the other end.  You have to understand that up until now, I've had phone call after phone call of, "Hey babe, I'm sorry but I'm going to be delayed another day."  So I held my breath as I hoped for good news.  Relief flooded over me as I heard, "Hey, I'm in Atlanta right now, I should be there on the 2:05 flight."  Only a few more hours!

Nate and I left for the airport at about 1:00 p.m., after checking to make sure Jonathan's flight was on time.  I was nervous, excited, anxious.  Can you imagine not seeing your husband for 7 months, and finally being on your way to the airport to pick him up??  There's an exhilaration you will not feel anywhere else!!

The airline screwed up the gate at which his plane was arriving, so Nate and I had to get back in the car and drive to a different area to pick him up.  As we were pulling in to park, I caught sight of Jonathan leaning against a cement column, looking so handsome in his uniform . . . "Let me out right here, I just want to go see him!" I kept telling Nate as he parked the car.  Finally, the moment for which I'd been waiting for 7 months was here.  My legs were shaking and my heart was pounding as I leaped into Jonathan's arms and held him close.  In that moment, the most incredible feeling pulsed through every fiber of my being . . . only fellow Army wives/fianceés/girlfriends know exactly what I'm talking about.  The world around me -- the colors, the people, the sounds, the traffic -- all became a blur.  It sounds cliché, I know, but nothing else mattered in that moment.  It is the most amazing, indescribable feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

Nate did a great job of capturing the moment for us!

(Even though I look incredibly awkward in mid-jump. ;) )

He has a pretty sweet photoblog here!

The United States welcomed Jonathan with open arms . . . and a bout of food poisoning.  Not kidding.  Starting Friday evening, he was down for about a day and a half -- he couldn't keep any food down, and could barely keep any liquids in his body to prevent dehydration.  It was a rough weekend for sure.  He is feeling MUCH better now, though, and is playing Need For Speed next to me on the couch as I type.  :)

It is amazing having my husband home with me.  As we drive in the car, I catch myself gazing out the window and suddenly remind myself that after he goes back to Afghanistan, I'm going to regret not looking over at him more than I did . . . so I glance over and try to memorize every part of him, his muscles, his hands, his arms, his shoulders.  I want to remember everything so vividly, and yet I know that those things that are so real to me right now will slowly fade from memory over the next several months.  I know what the separation feels like.  I know what it is to forget what my husband's kisses feel like, to forget how his hands feel on me.  I know the pain that's coming, and I am powerless to stop it.  All I can do is savor each moment I have right now, each glance, each half-smile that crawls across those lips of his, each touch, each whisper, each laugh, each memory.  As Anne Morrow Lindbergh said:

"If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments."

stressed? chill out.

The week before last was a bit crazy.  And a canker sore popped up in my mouth.  Ouch.

I am quick to tell people that canker sores "are not the herpes thing, that's a COLD SORE, and those are really contagious."  A canker sore is a small ulcer on the inside of one's mouth that heals itself usually in about 10-14 days.  I began researching canker sores and found that the medical community does not know exactly what causes a canker sore -- and, in turn, does not know exactly what will cure one.  There are theories as to what contributes to a sore developing, from one's diet to a lack of certain vitamins to emotional stress.  Many experts believe that a fluke in one's immune system is the main culprit.  One theory based on this belief I found quite interesting:

Basically, your body senses that there is an intruder in the soft tissues of your mouth -- but it isn't really there.  Your brain's like, "Hey, white blood cells, go attack that intruder!"  So they rush off to fight this "infection."  When they arrive at the spot marked 'X', all that's there is normal, healthy tissue.  But the white blood cells are all gung-ho for fighting at this point, so they just do what they do best -- they attack, and they attack hard.  They eat away at what they think is the bad guy, but really it's that normal, healthy tissue in your mouth.  Ouch.

Anyway, so one of these bad boys appeared out of nowhere last weekend.  Being genetically prone + lack of certain vitamins + PMS + high stress = perfect conditions for a sore to develop; so, it's not all that difficult to understand why I got one.  Thankfully, mine is pretty much gone now.  But it got me thinking about stress and how it affects one's body.  I've always thought of stress as a feeling -- if I felt stressed-out or on edge, my body was under stress.  If I didn't feel stressed, then my body wasn't under stress.  However, this is not necessarily true.  Stress is a very literal thing -- there are hormones, such as cortisol, released in one's body that affect the functions of the body.  And in this fast-paced, high-pressure, jam-packed culture we live in, it's important that we take time to take care of ourselves.  So here are some things that I do to lessen my stress . . .

1.  Have you ever been given the advice to take a minute or two to literally sit and do nothing?  Well, have you tried it?  I have, and I'll be the first to say it sounds silly . . . but I'll also be the first to say it really helps lessen stress!  If you have difficulty making yourself do nothing for a few minutes, go here: the quiet place.  There, now you have no excuses.

2.  Light candles.  Especially aromatherapy candles.  As these candles burn, essential oils are released into the air which enter your body as you breathe to help relax and calm you.  You may not consciously realize that your stress is being lessened, but remember:  stress is not always a feeling -- it is literal hormonal activity in your body.

3.  Eat dark chocolate.

It is fairly common knowledge that chocolate releases endorphins in our bodies which make us feel good.  However, dark chocolate not only releases these same endorphins, but also contains powerful antioxidants which help to lower high blood pressure, improve one's skin, and boost one's mood, among other things.  Now, you probably shouldn't go eat a whole bunch of dark chocolate . . . but a couple ounces a day (maybe in place of that cookie or brownie??) can help lower your stress levels.

4.  Smile and laugh.  Seriously.  Need some help?  Here you go.  <-- he has no problem doing it.  Why should you?

Well that's all I have right now.  There are tons of other things that can help reduce stress -- go for a jog, get a massage, take a bath.  Just take some time -- make some time if you have to! -- to take care of yourself for a minute.  You're worth it.

it's time to explore the ocean.

I am about to embark on a new journey.  I've been walking this path for awhile now, and it's time to take a different route, check out some different scenery.  I'm quitting my job.

Say whaaaat???  Yep, I put in my two weeks' notice on Friday, and after my lovely two-week vacation with my husband (whom I haven't seen in 7 months!), I will come back to a different sort of life, a refreshing change.

To be honest, I'm a little anxious.  It will be painful to leave Appletree, where I have invested in the lives of children I've come to love, and where I have cultivated friendships with the amazing ladies with whom I've had the opportunity to work.  However, my decision to leave is one into which I've put a lot of thought, and I believe this is the best choice for me right now.  I have a handful of ideas I want to pursue once I come back from vacation, when my immediate future is free from the restriction of a daily job, and when I will be in desperate need of new and exciting things to distract me from the throbbing loneliness of being torn away from the love of my life yet again.  But that is where the different scenery comes in . . .

I've had an unordinary life.  But, haven't we all?  I was homeschooled from 5th grade - 12th grade, and graduated high school with an acceptance letter to Michigan State University in hand.  I was accepted into the Honors College, and finished my first semester with a 4.0.  (So just try to make an argument that homeschooling is less ideal than any other school!  ;) )  During that first semester, I fell in love with a soldier who was stationed overseas; and, during Christmas break, he asked me to marry him.  We wanted to get married before he deployed in the summer, so we set the date for June 25, 2011.  With the stress of full-time school, part-time work, and planning a wedding, I decided to withdraw during my second semester at State.  I transferred to the Appletree in Wyoming, MI, and moved back in with my parents.  Summer came, and my soldier came with it.  We were blessed to be supported by so many friends and family on our wedding day (some drove or flew across the country to be there for us), and we spent a glorious six weeks together -- two weeks in Michigan, four weeks in Germany -- before we said goodbye, not knowing when we would be with each other again.  Fast-forward seven months, and here we are.  As you can imagine, I feel like the past year has been quite a whirlwind for me.  Exactly one year ago, I made the decision to withdraw from State, drastically changing the course of my life.  I was originally pursuing a degree in Communication, with a specialization in Public Relations.  Did I enjoy it?  Sure.  But I felt feel that is not the direction in which my life is headed.  So where is my life headed??  That brings me here.  To this moment.  To the here and now.

Because the thing is, I think I'm at a time in my life where I don't have to be so concerned about where my life is headed.  Jonathan and I have talked about and agreed on such things as when we'd like to start having children, where we want to settle down, and long-term career/school goals; however, I can't really initiate those plans without my life partner by my side.  And until he comes back home from fighting the bad guys, I wait.  But who says waiting has to be boring and uneventful?  I have an incredible chance to take a different path, immerse myself in new scenery, experience new things, fall in love with a new hobby, get lost in the vibrancy of life.

For one can enjoy a pond by treading water, but will only get to explore the ocean if he chooses to swim.