loneliness and mace.

Well, this side of R&R feels better than the other side.  That's for damn certain.

However, these past few days I've been missing him more than usual.  Now, "usual" is like a constant, achy feeling that is always unpleasant but often disregarded.  Like this burn on my knuckle that I got from checking chicken in the oven several days ago.  Despite the fact that it is constantly sending pain signals to the receivers in my brain, my brain is like, "Meh.  You're telling me this all the time.  I get it."  Such is my heart.  The hurt of Jonathan being gone is all the same, but at some point I've grown accustomed to it.  Which is very different from getting used to it.  I am not "used to" being without my husband.  I'm learning to live with it.  Anyway, these past few days I've had those "pangs."  You know, like if I were to accidentally brush against the aforementioned knuckle with a knife while chopping veggies; it would kind of shock my brain back into realizing that hey, the burn is still there.  And I don't know what it is about these past couple days, but my heart keeps being shocked back into realizing that hey, Jonathan's still gone.  It smacks me in the face when I walk out the door to run errands.  It hits me in the gut while I'm washing dishes.  It's unexplainable and random.  And it doesn't help that the trailer for The Lucky One pops up every ten minutes on my TV screen.  (Maybe this is a sign that I watch too much TV.  Possibly.  Probably.)  Every time that trailer comes up, I'm mesmerized.  Whether it's because the main character is a military guy or it was filmed and edited just right or I'm just a sucker for overly-sappy, emotionally-charged, Nicholas-Sparks-inspired chick flicks, I'll never know.  But every time I see it, the veggie knife lightly scrapes the throbbing loneliness in my heart.

  

I was thinking about this loneliness earlier today.  I felt all un-Christian about it, like if I had a really good relationship with God, I wouldn't feel lonely because I would let Him fill that place in my heart.  But He made me realize that sometimes He doesn't take our loneliness away.  Sometimes He doesn't erase it, assuage it, or fill it.  He holds us in it.  And we come to find that His love for us is so great that the pain of missing someone doesn't quite compare to the comfort of knowing He's there.

I had these thoughts while out walking today.  Lately, as the weather's been nice, I've been going walking every day.  My stamina is terrible so I don't do any of that hardcore sprinting (or even running) stuff, but I'll take a brisk walk and do a little jogging to get my heart rate up.  Change my clothes, tie my running shoes, grab my mace.  Yes, I take mace with me.  I don't care how nice the neighborhood is or the fact that I go out in broad daylight -- creeps can come out of anywhere, anytime, so you bet your ass I'm gonna carry mace with me.  Have you watched Law & Order??  Do you see the creeps on there??

And there's another sign that I watch too much TV.  But hey, that tiny bottle might save my life one day, so carry it I shall.

Not really sure there was a common theme to this post.  Just a few random thoughts.  Didn't really even have anything to do with Good Friday, either.  Ah, well.

Happy Easter weekend, folks.