loneliness and mace.

Well, this side of R&R feels better than the other side.  That's for damn certain.

However, these past few days I've been missing him more than usual.  Now, "usual" is like a constant, achy feeling that is always unpleasant but often disregarded.  Like this burn on my knuckle that I got from checking chicken in the oven several days ago.  Despite the fact that it is constantly sending pain signals to the receivers in my brain, my brain is like, "Meh.  You're telling me this all the time.  I get it."  Such is my heart.  The hurt of Jonathan being gone is all the same, but at some point I've grown accustomed to it.  Which is very different from getting used to it.  I am not "used to" being without my husband.  I'm learning to live with it.  Anyway, these past few days I've had those "pangs."  You know, like if I were to accidentally brush against the aforementioned knuckle with a knife while chopping veggies; it would kind of shock my brain back into realizing that hey, the burn is still there.  And I don't know what it is about these past couple days, but my heart keeps being shocked back into realizing that hey, Jonathan's still gone.  It smacks me in the face when I walk out the door to run errands.  It hits me in the gut while I'm washing dishes.  It's unexplainable and random.  And it doesn't help that the trailer for The Lucky One pops up every ten minutes on my TV screen.  (Maybe this is a sign that I watch too much TV.  Possibly.  Probably.)  Every time that trailer comes up, I'm mesmerized.  Whether it's because the main character is a military guy or it was filmed and edited just right or I'm just a sucker for overly-sappy, emotionally-charged, Nicholas-Sparks-inspired chick flicks, I'll never know.  But every time I see it, the veggie knife lightly scrapes the throbbing loneliness in my heart.

  

I was thinking about this loneliness earlier today.  I felt all un-Christian about it, like if I had a really good relationship with God, I wouldn't feel lonely because I would let Him fill that place in my heart.  But He made me realize that sometimes He doesn't take our loneliness away.  Sometimes He doesn't erase it, assuage it, or fill it.  He holds us in it.  And we come to find that His love for us is so great that the pain of missing someone doesn't quite compare to the comfort of knowing He's there.

I had these thoughts while out walking today.  Lately, as the weather's been nice, I've been going walking every day.  My stamina is terrible so I don't do any of that hardcore sprinting (or even running) stuff, but I'll take a brisk walk and do a little jogging to get my heart rate up.  Change my clothes, tie my running shoes, grab my mace.  Yes, I take mace with me.  I don't care how nice the neighborhood is or the fact that I go out in broad daylight -- creeps can come out of anywhere, anytime, so you bet your ass I'm gonna carry mace with me.  Have you watched Law & Order??  Do you see the creeps on there??

And there's another sign that I watch too much TV.  But hey, that tiny bottle might save my life one day, so carry it I shall.

Not really sure there was a common theme to this post.  Just a few random thoughts.  Didn't really even have anything to do with Good Friday, either.  Ah, well.

Happy Easter weekend, folks.

hurry up and wait . . . . the army wife way.

Making persistent and increasingly exhausting phone calls.  Filling out, dropping off, picking up, scanning in, and emailing out endless paperwork.  Jumping through hoops -- and not the normal, circular kind, either; we're talking the abnormal, twisted, crazy, confusing Army hoops.  Waiting.  Sloughing through a waist-high medley of ten different answers to one single question.  All the while, never being quite certain that you won't run smack-dab into a wall, being forced to turn around and start all over again, simply because the person on the other end of the phone rattled off some half-baked answer instead of double-checking that they were pointing you in the right direction.

Just a few things I'm facing during this command sponsorship process.

Command Sponsorship:  "Command Sponsorship is a privilege granted by the Commander so that the Soldiers Family Members may accompany the Soldier.  When a Soldier obtains orders for Out of the Continental United States (OCONUS), he/she will have either Accompanied (with) or Unaccompanied (without) dependent orders.  In order for the Soldier to arrange for Family Members travel overseas at the Army’s expense, they must be Command Sponsored."  (http://www.bw.eur.army.mil)

After Jonathan got back to Afghanistan, he found out that he will be returning to Germany, rather than being stationed stateside, for the remainder of his contract.  Naturally, we wanted to get the ball rolling on this command sponsorship thing as soon as possible -- the sooner we started on those awful phone calls and headache-inducing paperwork, the more likely we would be approved.  As I stated earlier, this process is confusing and frustrating.  The fact that my husband & I being able to live together for the next year is resting on whether or not the various Army officials decide it's a good idea (and investment) is exasperating.  There are seriously flowcharts outlining the whole routine.

Ugh.

So, into the waist-high medley we sloughed.  On one hand, it feels like we have already done so much to push these papers through and get them verified by countless signatures from people in various states (and countries).  And yet, on the other hand, it seems like there is still so much to do, so many more signatures to obtain, and so many more days (weeks . . . .) of waiting.  Jonathan posted about all this on his Facebook, requesting prayers that God would bless us throughout the process with a timely approval.  Initially, I wasn't going to say anything about it until I knew for sure whether or not we were approved; but, I suppose there is something valuable in being vulnerable about our needs so they can be lifted up in prayer by many more than just us.

At this point, I have completed a medical screening according to EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) standards.  The paperwork has been signed by my doctor, as well as reviewed and signed by a doctor in Ft. Knox.  It is now on its way to Germany for further approval (this is pretty much guaranteed since it has received the Army stamp of approval in Ft. Knox).  Once they give the a-ok for my medical screening, we can officially request command sponsorship.  For this, Jonathan will get a packet together and submit it to his superiors to be approved.  From here, it still has to go through several channels before we know for sure whether or not we are approved for command sponsorship.

As you can see, it is a long, exhaustive process that requires a lot of persistence and patience.  We have been relentless in calling, emailing, and talking to people to make sure the papers are being pushed through; in addition, a couple of Jonathan's sergeants have been very attentive to the paperwork that needs to be completed and submitted quickly and efficiently.  It is a slow process, but I feel blessed even that things are moving at the rate that they are.

Thanks for taking the time to read all that.  Both Jonathan & I would be so grateful if you would keep us in your prayers throughout this process.  Pray that the paperwork will move smoothly, that we will be approved, and that we will continue to give our stress and anxiety to God.  He ultimately calls the shots, so I am content to know that whatever happens, He's got it all planned and under control.

And for now, I'll just hurry up and wait.  :)